Random thoughts from the Fuller house

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Special needs you can't see

All of my kids have some sort of special needs. Some you can see like the kid in the wheelchair or the kid with prosthetic legs. Some you can't see, like Aspergers, or dyslexia or dysgraphia, or RAD, or an eating disorder. With some of those you can see the results, but you really can't see the whole picture. Some of them as a stranger, you won't see any signs of them at all. It's kind of interesting that people seem to have a set of rules for how disability should look or act. People assume that a kid who is cute can't have a mental illness. People will assume a child who is clean and well behaved in public, must not have a mental illness. People assume a kid in a wheelchair can't understand what they say or that they must also be delayed in some way. They also assume a child in a wheelchair can't possibly also have behavioral issues. You should see the dirty looks you get if you tell a child in a wheelchair "no" in public! The truth is some kids who have major issues going on inside, are very cute on the outside. They may have cute smiles, and be well dressed. They might come up and hug you and be very charming. It might seem like the mom is nuts to think something is wrong with this kid. You just have to remember that just like you can't see dyslexia, you can't see emotional issues. Of course sometimes you can see it, some kids will act out in public. Some kids can hold it together in public but act out at home. Sometimes what looks like a well behaved kid is hiding what you can't see. You may not have noticed that while the kid was hugging you they picked your pocket, you may not notice that the cute teen who picked up your toddler and is carrying her around was touching your child inappropriately. You may not realize that the kid who is snuggling up to you, is is trying to manipulate you. You may not realize that the kid who is confiding their deep feelings to you, is manipulating to you to try to get you to hurt their parents. The truth is that sometimes really cute kids can have issues which mean they lie, and do inappropriate things. It may seem to you like the parents are way too strict, or have crazy rules. Never assume you know the story. Here are a couple of stories for you, see what you think. Story one: A mother and child at a fast food place. The child appears quite overweight. His clothes are a little tight. He is about 8 years old. The mom buys him a kids meal, but he takes only a few bits and says he wants ice cream. The mother buys it for him. What would you think? I knew this lady and her son. She called me after she left the restaurant because people made loud rude comments about her and her child. Here is what they didn't know. Her son had a heart transplant. The medications which he takes to keep his body from rejecting the heart make him gain weight. He just got out of the hospital. He is not 8 but 11. He has very little appetite. This fast food place was where he wanted to go when he got out of the hospital after his transplant. His mom was so happy to have him alive, she would have bought him everything on the menu. Those people who made assumptions based on what they thought they were seeing, hurt this mother and child who had already been through a lot. Story two: A family is at a church picnic. They have an adorable four year old girl. She keeps coming up to your family and asking your husband to pick her up so she can see the games the big kids are playing. Her mother tells her no, and keeps bring her back to stay by her side. The child asks to go and play with the other children and the mother says no. When the mother needs to take her other child to the restroom, you offer to watch the little girl, but the mother says no. You notice that the mother seems to not let the child out of her sight even though she has a little boy close to the same age who is allowed to run around with the other children. Someone else mentions to you that the child is not allowed to go to Sunday School either. The child is adorable and charming. She seems so sad to be stuck so close to her mom. What do you think? Here is what you don't know, this child is a foster child. Her biological parents molested her. They actually did far more than that simple word implies, it would turn your stomach to know what kind of a life this child had. This child knew no other life before she was removed from her home. She learned that you can get attention from men by doing things to them. She thinks touching other people's privates is normal. She has been taught to "accidentally" touch people in ways she should not. This is her third foster home. She was removed from the first because it was discovered that she was molesting a two year old. She was removed from the second after telling her therapist she had sex with her foster father. She described it in great detail. Later she said she was describing an incident with her biological father, who said he enjoyed it when she did those things with him, so she wanted the therapist to think her foster father loved her the same way. (in her poor little mind love=sex) The foster father was proven innocent because it turned out he was on a business trip during the time when the accusation was supposed to have happened. Because of these two incidents (which the foster mother is not allowed to tell you about because the law requires she keep her child's information confidential, even the fact that she is a foster child) the mother cannot let the child out of her sight. The child is in regular therapy, but the child is not healed of her issues yet. You didn't know it, but the mother you had those mean thoughts about was trying to protect you and your husband and your children. Yet, she felt your judgement. She likely won't attempt to come to any more church events. Story three: A woman in a store is texting on her cell phone while her child lays on the ground screaming and cussing. The child is way too old to be acting like that. Do you assume that the child is a brat and the mom a bad parent? Or do you like me now, wonder if the child is autistic, or perhaps suffered from early trauma or has sensory issues. I don't know if the mother is texting her husband to come help her remove the child or the child's therapist for advice or a friend because she needs someone to talk her down so she won't be too angry. The next time a parent tells you that their child can't come to your house or says please don't give them something (candy, a gift, attention, food, etc) or tells you that the child may not do something or seems overly strict. Remember, it's possible that the child has a disability you cannot see. Sometimes you can ask if you know the parents well enough, why they do or say certain things. Most parents of special needs children would be glad to answer questions (if asked privately and appropriately) But sometimes for the sake of the child's privacy they cannot give you details. Before you jump to conclusions, think, ask. Giving the mom of a tantrumming child a smile instead of a dirty look, might mean the world to her and it won't cost you a dime.

Friday, December 21, 2012

I am back

Some friends wanted me to get back to doing my blog. So I am finally writing on here again. I really do need some new pictures of my kiddos. I will try to get one on Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, the images that go with it have changed for me so much over the years. I have read the Bible cover to cover many times. (yep even the boring parts, I will admit that a few of the times I kind of speed read through the genealogy lists and stuff) I seem to find something new every time. Maybe it's just that different things jump out at me at different stages of my life. As a teen I was fascinated by the soap opera that is much of the Old Testament. The idea that these people that God used were far from perfect. Of course as I read some things I didn't quite understand. So I started reading commentaries, and reading things about the lifestyles of people back then, the culture, the political climate, and just how things were done. It was fascinating. I also began looking up the original Greek or Hebrew words on some things and realizing that some words could mean more than one thing and if the translator had chosen a different meaning for that word the entire meaning would change. Yeah, I am a nerd, but I think it's interesting. The Christmas story is one that evolved for me over the years. I have always thought about how tough things must have been for Mary. She lived in a small town and anyone who has ever lived in one knows that gossip in a small town is a big issue. So if an unmarried girl gets pregnant (which probably happened from time to time) gossip will spread. If her husband then tries to quietly end the betrothal (no such thing as secrets in a small town, especially when entire families tended to live in one room with grandparents in the next room and cousins and aunts and uncles in the room on the other side) More gossip, add in the girl claiming it was God and well, you get the picture. I figure the gossip and mean girls are probably at least part of why she went off to visit her cousin for a while. We all know an angel changed Joseph's mind and the engagement was back on, but he had to wait a while to consummate. When I was a kid we had this manger scene we set up every year. The little wood stable and the wood cradle for the baby with clean hay and blankets. Then I got older and read more and realized they didn't have a lot of wood. I went to Israel and saw that for myself, there are way more rocks than trees. I love the olive trees and I bought several little things made of Olive wood, but the trees grow all crazy and crooked, not straight up, and they grow differently than other trees, so they are often hollow. (even healthy olive trees can be hollow) so this means that while Olive wood is great for small carvings (it has a beautiful grain) it's not much good for building. However the land is filled with caves. They are everywhere. The mangers (feeding troughs for animals) are stone not wood and animals are often kept in caves. Sometimes with the family. Some people still live in caves over there. Lots of people now build their homes over caves and they can use the caves to keep animals and then have the house upstairs. OK so that changed the whole picture. Luckily I can handle the change (OK sometimes reluctantly, I still often see the traditional image in my head) Then I read and learn more and realize a few other things. One cool thing is that possibly they could see the Herodian, which was this huge beautiful castle thing, from their cave. It had to have bugged Mary and Joseph a little to know that God said this child was a King, yet the current king, who was not a nice guy, (but gotta give him credit, he was an amazing builder!) has not one but several fancy homes. Mostly on hills. (the guy was a little paranoid, but in his case probably justified, his own people didn't like him because he was a collaborator for the people who had invaded the country and his bloodline meant he should not really have been king, plus his morals were a little bit, um, loose) OK all these changes in my views. Gee whiz, I thought I knew the story. Of course then I look up a few words in the original Greek. Hmmm, the word they use for Inn, actually means guest room. Thinking more (dangerous I know) and I realize that the whole reason they were going to Bethlehem is cause Joseph's family was from there. Ok so why didn't they stay with relatives, after all hotels were not a big business back then, people usually camped out unless they were rich. I don't think Joseph and Mary were rich. Though maybe they were not too poor since they did have a donkey, doesn't seem like much to us, but most people walked, so yeah it was a luxury. Now, I am thinking (nope can't prove it, it's just my opinion) that maybe they did stay with relatives. However the house would have been full to brimming with relatives. Plus giving birth is a very, messy thing. You are not going to want to do that in a room full of relatives. (well OK some people do now and they also video tape it and put it on youtube, but not me!) So a couple of things occur to me, if she shows up at this relatives house in labor she is not about to want to climb the ladder to get up to the family living quarters, I know I didn't want to climb any ladders when I was in labor! Plus the ladies of the house probably did not want all that mess up there and there were men around. Now men are in the delivery room, but that's a pretty new thing. Ask your grandparents. Back in that Culture it was actually pretty much taboo for a man to witness the birth. He could not even touch his wife until she stopped bleeding. No man could, she was "unclean". (for you young people it can take like six weeks to stop bleeding after a baby). They didn't have any super thin maxi pads back then either. So better to keep the mess on the straw. It makes me feel better to know that Jesus was probably surrounded by loving relatives, which is as it should be. Babies should be spoiled. I know now from my research that it's actually essential for an infant's development for a child to be held and talked to and rocked and stuff. They can die without that attention even if they are fed. They can have real brain damage that shows up on scans if they don't get that. Of course the relatives all thought he was just a baby. Can you imagine their reaction when those shepherds showed up? I can imagine some older woman trying to stop them from going in. "You are not going in there, you have dirty hands and this is her first baby you are going to scare her!", Bethlehem is still not that big. So likely the lady of the house knew these shepherds. They would have been local people, probably kids. (Oh and it was probably spring, not winter, look it up if you don't believe me, there is a long story to why we celebrate Christmas when we do) Maybe it's just me, but I like to picture in my head what things were like, and what the people were feeling and thinking. It's a hobby of mine. Going to Bethlehem and all those places really helped with my picturing it. If I can find them I will share some of the pictures we took with you. (in case you are wondering my husband took most of them and he doesn't take pictures with people in them very much, He says he knows what I look like so took very few with me in them,LOL)

This is a cave in Bethlehem (not the official one, the "official" one had a church stuck on top of it and the walls are all covered with cloths and there is bling everywhere. It doesn't look like a cave at all anymore) You can see a manger in front of this one.

I think this was another manger

Inside the cave from above. The pillar was added for safety later. In one area you could see the ceiling was black from hundreds of fires built over the years to cook, or keep warm or keep away predators.

See what I mean about caves being everywhere? These are probably tombs and our guide said there probably used to be a trail leading to them but since the trail was on a cliff it has eroded away. He as not amused when my husband and I discussed the possibilities of using catapults to get the coffins into the those tombs. Yeah, we have sick senses of humor, probably whey we are a good couple.